I'm gonna level with you - I know I haven't posted one of these things in a long while, and it's not from a lack of things to talk about, or being too busy. I've been doing a lot, but not so much that I couldn't have written one of these if I wanted. It's something else, and I don't really know how to describe it. I've been having a hard time lately, doing anything meaningful. Or, maybe better said, I've been having a hard time believing that anything I'm doing is meaningful. I keep doing all this, but what for? It never goes anywhere, most of the time it never even sees the light of day, so to speak. It just sits there. And sure, I can put it out there, but even then...I have no following outside of my few friends.
I've been feeling...invisible. Like I could just disappear, and nothing would change. The internet doesn't care that I exist. Society doesn't. And even though logically I know otherwise, a lot of the time it feels like my friends and family don't either. It feels like I'm already not in anyone's lives, so if I step out of them...nothing changes. If anything, they'd get a boost from not being weighed down by me - not to say I'm weighing people down a lot, they've made it clear that I'm not, but I'm as sure that it's there as I am sure that I'm alive. Which is to say...only kind of sure. I feel like a ghost, so if I suddenly realized I really was one, I would not be surprised.
I got a huge new drawing tablet recently, but it doesn't feel like I'll ever be confident enough in my art to just go and post it. I've run into a lot of problems with my music lately. I can't seem to name things anymore, and a lot of the files for my recent music have been broken in one way or another. It's like everything is just falling apart and I keep trying to patch it back together but it falls apart faster than I can patch it. I think I'm in a downward spiral and I've passed its event horizon, the point of no return. Doom is a time in my future, not a place that I can avoid.
It's always getting worse, it has for approaching four years. It's always felt like I'm right around the corner from breaking, like a branch you know won't make good firewood because no matter how hard you bend it, it just will not snap. You could bend it into a pretzel shape and it just refuses to break. And...some might say that if that's me, then I'm very strong, I can withstand a lot. But I feel like it's more that I'm stubborn, and stupid, that I just refuse to accept reality for what it is and finally snap. What that snap brings doesn't matter because at least it will bring change, but it never happens, I never change, I just sit here, watching my life pass me by, miserable as life ties me into a knot but never snapping so that it can't anymore.
I'm caught in a present that doesn't care that I'm here, heading into a future that tries to make every day a little bit worse than the last, wishing I could return to a past that is gone and is always getting further away.
That's really all I know to say for now. Maybe I'll give a real update later.
